**Trigger Warning for anyone struggling with their body image or relationship with food.**
When was the last time you worked out because you wanted to be healthier? Not because your jeans didn’t fit around your waist, or you wanted a big butt to shake like the girls on tik tok do. I’m talking about working out for your heart health, mental health, and overall wellness. I struggle with doing it for the wrong reasons, and I have a feeling I’m not the only one.
Throughout high school I was always pretty active. Partly because I enjoyed sports, party because I was always craving a bikini body that would compare next to my friends, and partly because my community always looked down on kids who weren’t involved in at least 2 sports.
I did gymnastics up until my freshman year of high school, when I transitioned more into tennis. I enjoyed the sport of tennis and the social aspect around it as well, but it never gave me the figure I desired. The tennis team never went to lifting or anything like that so I always felt weak next to my friends. They made sure I knew it too.
Granted, I was tiny growing up and still relatively am. However, just like any girl, I was never truly happy with my body, whether it was wanting to be stronger, or have a flatter stomach. I started going to Orange Theory Fitness twice a week to reach these goals. I did enjoy parts of it, but I found myself cursing in my head everytime I hit the rower. Not in the good way. In fact, I would get competitive watching 50 year olds row faster and farther than me and felt ashamed. I felt even more unhealthy after the class because of it. How dare they be in better shape than me?
I started to push myself even harder to get the splat points proving that I was the most fit in class. Except I wasn’t. I had to run out to the bathroom several classes and dry heave if not completely throw up. I pushed myself too hard.
So eventually I stopped. I took a long break from working out until I picked up boxing my senior year. It was a fun challenge for me, but it wasn’t sustainable. I didn’t have the energy for the hour long class after school and felt like shit during the class when I couldn’t give it my all. So I gave up.
The rest of my senior year I didn’t work out steadily. It just so happens that senior year was also when I was at my worst with my depression. I don’t think the lack of fitness was the cause by any means, but it certainly didn’t help. The thing with depression is, if you can’t get yourself to want to spend time with friends, it feels impossible to get your body moving in physically challenging ways.
This brings me to a turning point in my fitness journey. Beginning my freshman year of college, I had new friends, and a completely new environment. The friends I made here didn’t really have a workout routine. It was like a fresh breath of air. Out of boredom and curiosity, my roommate and I thought it would be fun to try one of the free classes at the Strom Thurmond workout center. Since we were both out of shape, we thought why not zumba?
We looked like baby giraffes flailing our limbs and stumbling over our feet but it was SO MUCH FUN. I kept going and always looked forward to an hour of dancing to my favorite songs. I moved my body and released endorphins without exhausting myself so I was still able to complete homework after.
It became addicting and I was so sad when I couldn’t go, but it was never a concrete thing in my schedule. I didn’t feel like I had to go or else I wouldn’t be skinny. Or else I wouldn’t maintain my muscles. It wasn’t like that. It just made me happy.
THIS is the wellness that we should be striving to achieve. One that gets you out of your dorm and walking across campus. A kind that allows you to make new friends, not feel inferior to them. Workouts should leave you feeling happier, not dry heaving.
A year removed without my zumba classes because of COVID, I found myself signing up for extreme, heavy weight workouts only to puke half way through and leave. I laughed it off, but deep down I was upset. It came to my attention that I lost sight of the wellness that I was really striving for.
Later in December, I found myself getting really depressed so I took a brisk walk and felt incredible after. Then, the next time I was depressed, I did a 20 minute dance routine I found on YouTube. It felt like my mood did a 180 and I no longer wanted to sulk in bed.
I felt embarrassed that my “workout” is a 20 minute dance routine but then I realized, if it makes my body and mind feel good, who cares?
Now, I’m striving for wellness not fitness. I want to do things that make my mind feel good like quiet time, journaling, podcasts and therapy. I want to fuel my body with sleep, vitamins, lots of water, and eating in good proportions. While I do want to gain more muscle, my priority is to move my body in ways that feel good. Stretching, dancing, walking and bodyweight workouts. Whatever you are doing is enough. You don’t need to be sprinting for it to count.
Finally, I’m not dieting, nor will I. I am just trying not to eat massive sundaes everyday, but regular bowls of icecream are acceptable. Why? Because life is too short to guilt yourself out of things you enjoy.
Don’t let the guilt, comparison, and goals based solely on your appearance control your wellness journey. That’s not what it is about.
Ps. Here is a dance workout that I love doing!
Pps. If you are looking for a yummy and healthy dinner, check out https://sincerelymeghanann.com/how-to-cook-a-vegetable-packed-dinner-that-doesnt-suck/
